Ending a chapter

Last week I broke off a 3 1/2 year relationship to a wonderful man. He is someone I love, respect, adore, and care for. Unfortunately, we've been struggling the last 1 1/2 years - not because of our emotions, but because of our locale.

I finally decided it was too much. I want so much to have him here. But I can't ask him to move back, sacrifice everything in his world just to live in mine. Especially since I'm not willing to make that same sacrifice for him.

I'm so numb. My heart is broken - and not because I hate him, or don't want him, or don't love him. Just because I don't see light at the end of the tunnel - only a lot more lonely nights and a lot of money spent trying to get across the country to see each other.

What makes it worse is I don't think we are really in the same place emotionally. I know he is OK with the way things are - to a point. He isn't necessarily a commitment-phobic (sp?) but isn't really sure that I'm the one he wants to end up with. I, on the other hand, would like to get off the dating wheel and finally find that guy to grow old with.

In the words of my best friend who just finished 'He's Just Not That Into You" self help book, ....he really isn't that into me. Sure, he cares, he loves, he is happy...but deep down does he fear he isn't the right one too?

So, I made a choice. I decided to close this chapter in my life. I am unhappy with the way things are so I have the power to change them. I can't change where he lives, his job, his feelings for me. I can't take away his fear. I can't change the fact that he really isn't sure he'll ever be able to trust someone and truly give his whole heart away. So, I can only change what I control - and that is me.

So I hurt him - I broke it off. I finished the chapter, I closed the door. But I don't know if the door I closed will lead to new windows - or if I just shut myself into a very dark closet where I should just curl up and cry.

I'm so numb.

Happy Birthday

This Blog is to honor my Sweetie...you are cute, cuddly, and so so far away. I miss you and wish I could be there. You are still of the age where birthdays aren't a day to wear black and walk around like you just got kicked in the stomach (yep- that's what my birthday feels like).

Today is a day to reflect. On past years, on your successes and failures, on where you are, who you are, your goals, dreams, aspirations....

Oh - FORGET IT!!! Go have a beer and a something yummy to eat and send me the bill.

(Starbucks has FREE PASTRY day today too!)

On the lighter side...

El Nino (that is Spanish for....THE Nino) has hit in rare form this year. I have lived in HOTLANTA for over 20 years now and I still forget the curse every 7 years...rain, rain, rain, no sun, no sun, no sun, better sun tanning in Seattle type of weather.

Until today...Oh GLORIOUS SUN TODAY!

My cats were lounging (as only cats can do) on every conceivable piece of real estate in the house that was catching the sun. The sectional in the front sitting room catching the morning sun, the chair and cat tree in the office upstairs during midday, then the CHAIR-For-Two in the family room to catch those last rays as the newly budding trees blocked the last embers of the sunset. Oh, to be a cat with only the worry about whether it will be Friskies Turkey and Cheese (the favorite) or Supreme Supper (only slightly better than that dreaded dry food they are stuck with when I'm traveling).

The air was warm even after 10:30 when I caught a late dinner and margarita with my 'brother' at the local Casa Sol (awesome place, if you are ever in VR, you should check it out).

But hey...everything looks at lot better when the sun is out, the air is warm, and Spring is in the air..(OK, Nancy Pelosi didn't really look any better but I turned on "Say Yes to the Dress" instead of Fox News and forgot politics for a day.

Healthcare - a Right? a Privilege? a Debacle?

I've heard just about enough today from Senators, Representatives, Strategists and even our President about this issue. My one and only comment:

Who do they think ultimately pays for this???

You can pay your $200+ a pay period to your health insurance provider for a decent policy now, or pay $400 a pay period (not including the payroll taxes your employer will end up paying) for crappy healthcare (just ask ANYONE who has had to go to the VA Med Center for treatment lately). AND guess what - you'll be taxed starting this year for something you won't even get until 4 years from now. So basically, you'll be paying for your old healthcare plan AND taxed for the new Gov't plan but still only getting the same healthcare. Guess what? They really will have to come take my house cuz I ain't got that kinda money to pay for two healthcare plans.

And then there is strangely awkward Dennis Kucinich. He thinks Healthcare is a RIGHT and should be not-for-profit.

Well how about that??? Only if Med school becomes free..now that is an idea. Don't people get it? It doesn't only take brains and drive and ambition and some kind of love for insomnia just to get through med school. But now the Dems what Doctors to be not-for-profit???? OK...so why in the world would you put yourself through all the hell, torture, no sleep, high tuition bills, etc. that is medical school if you weren't gonna make a bit of BANK later on?...at least more than the average working Joe at least. OK, so there are a few (very few) Mother Teresa types out there that selflessly go into healthcare because they are 'healers' and simply feel that it is their calling. But, lets face it....you pay your dues so you can drive the car you want, have great vacations, and live a lifestyle a little bit a 'cut above'.

Then there is this whole business of Deem and Pass. What LOON (read: Nancy Pelosi) has decided that the U.S. Constitution is just a trivial nuisance and can be swept aside when the President wants something passed NOW. OK, this technique has been used before, and by both parties, but not on a bill that is so opposed and covers 1/6 of the Nation's economy. Mark Levin and Landmark are planning one whale of a lawsuit if this bill is 'deemed' and passed without a vote. Let's face it, if they had the votes, they would just .....VOTE!

And finally, our wonderful President himself finally lowered himself and did an interview on (GASP!) Fox News. And what did he say??? He doesn't know what is in the bill, he doesn't know what the bill will look like after reconcilation, but he just wants something passed. Ok - I say that when I don't know what I want to eat for dinner. But a bill that will cost over a TRILLION dollars and affect 1/6 of our economy.....YEESH - you probably should know what is in it before you just go and pass it. You know, I saw some white powder in the pantry the other day that looked like baking soda so I could have just used it but, when I realized it was rat poison it is a GOOD THING I FOUND OUT WHAT WAS IN IT!!!! YEESH! And these people think WE are the stupid ones????

OK - I feel so much better. Have a Happy St. Patricks Day ya'll!

First off, thanks to Mindy for posting her Blog on Facebook. I've been wanting to rant electronically for a long time, and thanks to her I now have a venue.

Those of you who know me already understand that I just want everyone to get along. But you also understand that I can talk passionately for HOURS. So now maybe I'll get my rantings out of the way and you won't have to listen to me drone on for hours in person.

That is...of course...if you read my blogs.

I'm sure that I'll be politically incorrect, sometimes totally inappropriate, and probably off-base. But HEY, that's why I want to blog. In the words of the great talk show host Neal Boortz, "Somebody Has to Say It."

So, I'll post this stuff periodically and see how this goes....