Ending a chapter

Last week I broke off a 3 1/2 year relationship to a wonderful man. He is someone I love, respect, adore, and care for. Unfortunately, we've been struggling the last 1 1/2 years - not because of our emotions, but because of our locale.

I finally decided it was too much. I want so much to have him here. But I can't ask him to move back, sacrifice everything in his world just to live in mine. Especially since I'm not willing to make that same sacrifice for him.

I'm so numb. My heart is broken - and not because I hate him, or don't want him, or don't love him. Just because I don't see light at the end of the tunnel - only a lot more lonely nights and a lot of money spent trying to get across the country to see each other.

What makes it worse is I don't think we are really in the same place emotionally. I know he is OK with the way things are - to a point. He isn't necessarily a commitment-phobic (sp?) but isn't really sure that I'm the one he wants to end up with. I, on the other hand, would like to get off the dating wheel and finally find that guy to grow old with.

In the words of my best friend who just finished 'He's Just Not That Into You" self help book, ....he really isn't that into me. Sure, he cares, he loves, he is happy...but deep down does he fear he isn't the right one too?

So, I made a choice. I decided to close this chapter in my life. I am unhappy with the way things are so I have the power to change them. I can't change where he lives, his job, his feelings for me. I can't take away his fear. I can't change the fact that he really isn't sure he'll ever be able to trust someone and truly give his whole heart away. So, I can only change what I control - and that is me.

So I hurt him - I broke it off. I finished the chapter, I closed the door. But I don't know if the door I closed will lead to new windows - or if I just shut myself into a very dark closet where I should just curl up and cry.

I'm so numb.